Ever fancied asking William Hague about sharing a bedroom with his ministerial aid?
Or just wanted to let David Cameron know, in terms clear and concise, that you thought him an out-of-touch, bubble-headed, over-privileged toff?
Or maybe you are a representative from some grim ex-Soviet republic, with a human rights record that would give syphilitic octogenarian Robert Mugabe a groinal twinge- and fancy giving your glorious nation a complete make-over.
In which case, it’s first stop PR giant, Bell Pottinger.
Priding themselves on their connections to the Tory Party, they claim to have no problem getting your message through to the likes of Cameron and Osborne.
Nor any problem engaging the dark arts of PR to undermine those critical of your regime; be it ‘by manipulating Google results to drown out negative coverage of human rights violations and child labour’; sorting negative Wikipedia coverage; or ‘using MPs known to be critical of investigative programmes to attack their reporting for minor errors.’
We at the Narcotic Lollipop are extremely grateful to the Bureau of Investigative Journalism for revealing this portal to power and influence.
We’ve had a whip-round and hopefully our message will soon be winging it’s way direct to Mr. Cameron:
‘What exactly did you mean when, having asserted that lobbying ‘has tainted our politics for too long’, you said you were going to ‘shine the light of transparency’ on it so that politics ‘comes clean about who is buying power and influence’.
And in the unlikely event we’ve any cash left over, Bell Pottinger can use it to persuade the world that everyone at the Narcotic Lollipop long ago achieved sex-god status.