After yesterday’s tragic announcement that Ranting Rick Santorum has quit the presidential race to spend more time with his hairdresser, the real reason for his sudden withdrawal has begun to emerge.

Despite much talk from media pundits focusing on Santorum’s lack of campaign finance and paltry delegate count, the Narcotic Lollipop can disclose that the demise of the Tea Party’s (now ex) favourite son is down to the power of pornography.

In an exclusive poll that involved us randomly phoning a person who lives in New York, we are able to reveal the startling effect on the Republican electorate of the recent ‘Porn Stars against Santorum’ campaign.

For those of you not familiar with this bedrock movement, it involved a number of ladies and a confused looking man from Vivid Entertainment enthusiastically criticising Ranting Rick’s stance on porn.

The video, a viral hit that has been watched by literally some people, not only signaled the end of Santorum’s presidential hopes, but once and for all dispels the myth that employees of the porn industry cannot act.

Showing the sort of poise and assurance usually reserved for the likes of Meryl Streep or Phillip Seymour-Hoffman, the lovely Chastity Lynn and her friends offered an impassioned defense of their profession, while somehow managing to keep most of their clothes on.

Our poll, which reveals that 100% of Republican voters who viewed the video said they were ‘now much less likely to vote Santorum and where could they get a copy of Triple A 3’, shows that Santorum made a massive strategic blunder in attacking the adult entertainment industry.

Because, as we know so well, behind the family values veneer of the Republican Right lies the sort of fondness for licentiousness and squalor that most of us are happy-ish to admit to.

You can be fairly sure that hidden behind every homely, bible-filled Tea Party book shelf is an array of graphic, fleshy naughtiness starring the likes of the aforementioned Chastity Lynn.

And for this we should all be truly thankful, because this ready supply of filmic filth acts to distract the Religious Right from their favourite pastime of touching up fragrant young choirboys.