The Narcotic Lollipop website is here to expose the lowlifes, the bastards, and the dark forces that stand in the way of our happiness, whilst doing our level best not to bore you all into a deep and irreversible coma.

To keep it all vaguely interesting we’ve split things between Belief, Health, and Freedom & Prosperity.

Before we go, here’s a taster from our psychometric test:

How NL are you?

You notice a mild ache in your side. Do you:

  1. Ignore it— it’s probably only a stitch.
  2. Become increasingly anxious, before booking the next available appointment with your GP— sometime in 2014.
  3. ‘Borrow’ your partner’s holiday money and use it for a full body scan at a Harley Street well-being Clinic.
  4. Immediately phone the Chinese embassy to find out when the next death-row prisoner with a healthy kidney is due for the chop.

You are having one of those ‘what’s life all about’ days. Do you:

  1. Bimble about until it’s out of your system— then go for a massive curry with friends.
  2. Enthusiastically peruse the Personal Development section of the local bookstore, before drifting away because you’ve realised the football’s on.
  3. Immediately subscribe to the home of US Televangelists: the Bible Broadcasting Network and The God Channel.
  4. Bundle your partner into an orange boiler suit, then film yourself chopping their head off with a machete.

You see an old lady has fallen over in the street. Do you:

  1. Rush over to see if she’s okay and ask if you can help.
  2. Start to go over, but then stop, all relieved, when you see someone else is coming— then go back to reading your copy of Heat.
  3. Rant on at her about council negligence, before dropping a personal injury lawyer’s phone number onto her stricken body.
  4. Drift over, call her a dozy cow, then nick her pension money to put towards your new iPad.

a’s You are clearly immune from the enticing and addictive flavours of the NL.
b’s Not perfect, but don’t be too hard on yourself— after all, the NL is so tempting.
c’s Your total addiction to the NL buzz has made you go wrong in your mind tank.
d’s Please check out your family tree. You are probably related to Joseph Fritzl.

This is an equal opportunities website. It is available to everyone from humourless, spittle-flecked, chino loving, right-wing ideologues, to heavily bearded, bunny-hugging, extreme lefties with a dubious approach to personal hygiene.